I don't need to go into all of the details here (because the details are many, and to be honest, I don't understand them all myself), but you do need to know that the federal government has a funding program for schools and libraries that provides them with some electronic equipment at a huge discount. But the program funds aren't guaranteed, so often in my job I'll apply for the funds but not receive them (which isn't fun, because filling out this paperwork is as difficult and time consuming as doing one's income taxes--This is, after all, the same federal government). Two years ago I applied to have wireless networks installed in four of the six schools in our district. All told, the upgrades would cost almost $250,000, and if my application were approved, the federal government would pay for almost $200,000 of the expenses.
I've applied for that same upgrade every year for the last five years, and the application almost always gets rejected because the federal government--who awards funds based on the poverty level of the students in the school (the poorest get priority)--always runs out of funds before getting to my school district. We're poor, I guess, just not poor enough...
Anyway, that's even more information than I meant to give about the program. But I guess it's necessary to understand that, while I applied for these $200,000 in 2010, I also applied for them in 2011, because I figured that--as usual--we'd be denied the funding in 2010 (Why do I keep applying when I'm almost certain I'm going to be denied? I thought you might be wondering that. It's a valid question, but let me ask you this: Would YOU want your superintendent to find out that you COULD have gotten the district $200,00 in technology funds if only you'd filled out some paperwork?). And then, surprise! In the fall of 2011 we WERE granted the money from our 2010 application, so as of today, we have a super fast, modern, wireless network in those four schools!
Yay!
But that's not what I'm here to talk about. Since I was awarded the funds based on the 2010 application, I no longer needed the identical 2011 application, so I filed what's called a Form 500 cancelling my 2011 application, which hadn't yet been reviewed by the government. I was trying to save them the effort...
Instead, I got an email and an identical fax today in part stating the following:
"It appears that the purpose of your Form 500 for Funding Request Number XXX is to cancel the funding request. However, in order to cancel your funding request, your Form 500 must be accompanied by a letter stating that you wish to cancel your funding request. Please resubmit your Form 500 with such a letter within 14 days. If you do not resubmit your Form 500 within 14 days, you risk having your funding decision delayed, or your Funding Request may even be cancelled."
I stared at this paragraph for several seconds, marvelling at its circular language. I was being threatened, I surmised, with a possible cancellation of my funding request. But that's what I wanted done in the first place! It's no threat at all to tell someone you're going to do to them exactly what they want done. So at first I decided to do nothing. After 14 days, the federal government would automatically cancel my funding request.
But then I got worried, because I realized that I was being threatened with TWO possible courses of action. Yes, I could have my funding request cancelled, but I could also "risk having your funding decision delayed." I imagined that the same federal program that would send me the absurdist email above could potentially get stuck in a loop and send me the same email EVERY week for years and years if I did nothing!
And so, out of that fear, I'm going to re-send my request to cancel my funding request. I don't want to get on these guys' bad side...
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