I've been thinking about my father a lot lately...
I was told by people in the know (and by that I mean people who have lost a parent) that the whole first year would be hard, that I'd think about my father throughout the year. The "firsts" would be hard. "First Father's Day without My Dad" or "First 4th of July without My Dad" and so on. And, at first, things certainly played out that way. The first Christmas without my dad he was certainly on my mind, and he was definitely missed at my Mom's birthday a week later. But both of those events were just a month from the time my Dad had died, and he was on my mind EVERY day regardless of whether or not it was a special day.
But after that, the sting faded, and holidays passed without much noticeable difference. My daughter's birthday was in January, and my father was missed, but honestly not so much. My own birthday was a few weeks later, and I missed my father wishing me a happy birthday, sure, but I didn't see him every year on my birthday, so again, it wasn't so painful. And certainly Groundhog's Day, Valentine's Day, and St. Patrick's Day passed by without me thinking particularly of my father.
But this last week, as I said at the start of this blog entry, I've missed my father quite a bit, for two reasons mostly:
1. University of Kentucky Basketball. The Wildcats haven't been to the Final Four since 1998, and I sat Saturday night and watched them take on UConn and thought how sad it was that my father had missed their return by just a few months. In fact, it occurred to me, he had seen THIS TEAM play back in November, and he'd told me at the time that they weren't going to be very good this year. He would have enjoyed seeing how far this team had come in a few months, and he was very much on my mind as I watched the game. I understood for the first time, I think, when people say that they can almost feel the presence of a departed person. I could imagine him sitting beside me watching the game, commenting during the commercials about how they couldn't hit the basket, how nervous they looked. And I was actually kind of glad Kentucky lost the game. It's one thing for him to have missed their return to the Final Four by just a few months. It would have been another thing for him to have missed a UK championship. Too much to take.
2. Vacation. As I mentioned in the previous post, the family has been on Spring Break vacation for the last week. And I've thought about my father a lot. Of all of the places in the world, I think he was defnitely the most comfortable and at peace in his own house. After that, though, I think place number two would have been on vacation at the beach. I remember he'd rent an umbrella and a couple of beach chairs from the lifeguard on the beach, and then he'd settle down underneath that umbrella with a cooler, his sunglasses, and his bathing suit. He'd watch the kids play in the sand and the ocean, and he'd people watch. When he got really hot he'd jump into the ocean and play with us kids for a few minutes, and then he'd head back up the beach to his chair, shoo whoever had gotten into it out, and settle back down again for a few hours. For four or five days, he would just be.
I had a great time at the beach with my kids, but my father was always on my mind because I remember doing everything we did with him. Natalie and I rode "boogie boards" for hours in the water. I don't know if boogie boards existed in the 1970's and 80's, but I remember riding floats on the waves with my father. The whole family walked the beach looking for shells, something I remember doing with my dad as well. And while we walked we saw several sand castles built by little children, something I also remember doing at the beach with my dad.
So I guess what I've learned is that what all of those people said is true. The first year IS going to be hard throughout, but it's not every holiday that's going to be hard. It's every moment that reminds me of my dad when I will feel the pain of the loss.