So it's been almost four years since I've made a post on this blog. Why? I don't know. I think part of the issue is that the older I get the less I care whether anyone knows how I feel about anything. I used to feel pretty sure that I was so wise that everyone would want to know my thoughts about...well...pretty much everything. I mean, all you have to do is look back through this blog to see that I wrote about pretty much anything I felt like writing about. And I had strong opinions about it all.
That's not the case today. My opinions aren't as strong about most things, and I really don't care whether you know what my opinions are.
So if that's how I feel, why am I writing now? I don't know. I don't even think about this blog most days. Haven't thought about it in months, if I'm being honest. But I clicked on an old article with my name in it and it included a link to this blog, and I clicked on it. And when I did, I didn't like that the last post I'd made was about a novel I was writing at the time. It seemed like an unfinished way to leave the blog, so I thought I'd write at least one more post. This one.
So what happened with my novel? I finished it. I sent a query letter and the first few chapters to some 60 agents trying to get representation for it, and though I heard back from 3 agents who wanted to see the full novel, in the end, none of them said that it was what they were looking for. I hired a different agent to read my query letter and the first few chapters and suggest changes I could make to interest agents, and she gave me some ideas which I added to both the letter and the novel. Still, though, I couldn't find representation, so I decided to self-publish the novel. But then I decided that--if I were going to publish it myself--I wanted to revert some of the changes that I'd made at that agent's advice. So I started working on reverting SOME of those changes, and in the end, I finally just stopped working on it. I guess I need to be honest and say that I'm not interested in self-publishing. Self-publishing makes sense for non-fiction work where the author gives presentations to audiences and can sell the book at the presentations. Or in the case of my wife, who has self-published a biography of the man who started the museum where she works, that book can be sold in the gift shop of the museum. That makes sense. But I know if I self-publish a novel that I'm going to sell eight copies to friends and family who are going to buy the novel in order to avoid hurting my feelings. They probably won't even read it. And I'd rather just spare them having to spend the $20 for the book.
When I told a friend what I just wrote above, she strongly encouraged me to follow through and self-publish. It wasn't just enough to have a rough draft of the novel, she said. I needed something finished and printed that my children and grandchildren could have after I was gone. But that's never going to work as motivation for me. I'm not worried what the world thinks about me after I'm going, or whether I'm remembered at all. I'll be dead. What do I care?
Maybe I'll change my mind at some future date, but for now, I'm fine with the novel in the state it's in now.
And I'm also fine with this blog in the state it's in now that I've made this post. A part of me thinks I should just delete the blog entirely, or at least make it private. But naaah. Leave it up. Read it if you find it and you want to. Or don't read it. What do I care?
