ALERT: FDA dramatically increases peanut butter recall

--Dissociated Press--

January 31, 2009

In what will undoubtedly be the largest recall in U.S. History, the U.S. Food and Drug Administration today dramatically increased the recall of peanut butter products made with salmonella tainted peanut butter or peanut paste manufactured at the Peanut Corporation of America plant in Georgia. Initially the recall involved only a few products known to have been tainted by peanut butter products from the plant. Then, after a series of reports documented the health inspection problems at the plant, the recall was expanded to include ALL products manufactured at the plant from January 1 of 2007 until the present. Last week the recall was expanded even further to include ALL peanut and peanut butter products manufactured anywhere at any time. And after a nationwide panic was created after that recall, yesterday the FDA announced its most far-reaching recall yet.

"We're going to recall any product that has any of the letters found in the words 'peanut butter,'" said FDA spokesman Mike Marsh. "This is the only way to ensure that our food supply is safe."

Consumer groups, which applauded the initial recall and then later criticized the FDA for not acting quickly enough to expand the recall, have also put their support behind the latest recall. "The Consumer's Union supports this recall," writes President Jim Guest. "I've already thrown out all of my peanut butter products, and tonight I will be throwing out everything else."

Consumers on the street, however, are a little less sure of the latest recall. "I think they might be overreacting," said Marta Pierson, 42, who was shopping at the Kroger in Hyde Park. "The shelves here are practically empty. I mean, there are a lot of products with the same letters as 'peanut butter' that have nothing to DO with peanut butter. I mean, look around!" Pierson turned and motioned with her outstretched arms. "The store is practically empty! The only items left on the shelf are chili, fish, and milk!"

In response to such criticism, Marsh replied, "People always think that something like this is never going to happen to them, that they won't be the one to get salmonella from a product that has a 'p' in its name. And the truth is, the vast majority of people probably never would. But isn't even one salmonella poisoning one too many?"

When a reporter pointed out that just because a product has a letter from the word "peanut butter" in its name that it doesn't mean that it has any actual peanut butter in it, Marsh replied,"Same to you but more of it!" When pressed to explain the comment and how it even made sense in that context, Marsh added, "Up yours!" He threatened to ban all products with letters adjoining any of the letters in "peanut butter" and then ended the interview.

Over 3,000,000 people may have died from salmonella poisoining as a result of eating tainted peanut butter. Or maybe they all just died of something else. Details are unclear. However, scary stories about common foods killing people sells, so let's go with the 3,000,000 number.